Before You Give Feedback, Ask Yourself Why It May Not Be Landing

Even well-delivered feedback won’t create change if the other person isn’t ready to receive it. Before assuming someone is resistant, it’s worth asking a different question: “What could be preventing them from hearing me?” ​

By Michel Koopman

For Forbes

​Not long ago, I was speaking with the president of a large, multimillion-dollar company about one of the most common frustrations leaders face. He wasn’t asking how to have difficult conversations or how to be more direct. In fact, he was already doing those things well. ​

His question was much simpler: “I give thoughtful feedback to some of my leaders, but every so often I walk away feeling like they didn’t really hear me. They defend their position, dismiss the suggestion, or simply keep doing things the same way. Why?” ​

It was a great question because most leadership advice focuses on how to give feedback. I’ve written before about delivering feedback without triggering defensiveness and about the importance of being direct rather than vague. Those are important skills, but they’re only one side of the equation. Even well-delivered feedback won’t create change if the other person isn’t ready to receive it. Before assuming someone is resistant, it’s worth asking a different question: “What could be preventing them from hearing me?” ​

Reasons Why Someone May Not Be Receptive To Feedback​

When feedback doesn’t land, leaders tend to spend too much time refining their message and not enough time on understanding what might be happening in the mind of the person who is receiving it.​​ Here are a few common scenarios:

They may not believe you have the right expertise.

One possibility is that they simply don’t believe you have credibility on the subject you’re discussing. Leadership titles don’t automatically create expertise. You may be speaking to someone who has spent years developing deep knowledge in marketing, finance, technology or operations. If they feel that your feedback is disconnected from that expertise, they may dismiss it. Not because they don’t respect you as a leader, but because they don’t believe you’ve earned the authority in that particular area.

I have found it helpful to acknowledge that reality instead of pretending it doesn’t exist: “I know you’ve spent far more time on this than I have, and I’m not questioning your expertise. What I’d like to offer is a perspective based on what I’m seeing across the broader business.” That simple shift changes the conversation. Now, instead of competing over who knows more, you’re sharing a different point of view. ​

​They may believe they already have the right answer.

Some people have such confidence in their own thinking that they instinctively reject alternative perspectives. Ironically, this is often a quality that helped them become successful in the first place. High performers are used to trusting their judgment.

The goal in those moments isn’t to prove them wrong, but to move the discussion away from “who’s right?” and toward “what’s the best outcome for the business?” When you focus on solving a problem together rather than defending positions, people are far more willing to reconsider their thinking. ​​

They may be protecting insecurity, not confidence.

One of the easiest mistakes leaders make is assuming that someone who argues back is overly confident. But sometimes, it’s the opposite.

When people aren’t fully comfortable with their own knowledge, hearing constructive feedback can feel exposing. They worry that questions or criticism might reveal what they don’t know, so they defend their work more aggressively than they would otherwise. From the outside, it looks like confidence, but underneath it may simply be self-protection.

I’ve learned not to interpret that behavior too quickly. Instead, I try to create enough psychological safety that the conversation feels developmental rather than evaluative. When people no longer feel they’re being judged, they’re much more willing to explore different ideas. ​

They may simply not have the mental space at the moment.

Sometimes there is nothing psychological happening at all, and the person may simply be overwhelmed. We’ve all experienced trying to coach someone who is racing toward a deadline, juggling multiple priorities or feeling pressure to deliver. In this state, even the most valuable feedback can sound like another obstacle when someone is already stretched too thin.

Before launching into coaching, it can be worth asking a simple question: “Is this a good time to step back and think this through together, or are you trying to get something out the door?” That small act of empathy often changes the entire conversation.

​How To Prepare Them Before You Coach Them

One lesson I’ve learned over the years is that leaders spend a great deal of time preparing what they’re going to say, but very little time preparing the other person to hear it.

Sometimes that preparation is as simple as naming what might already be happening. You might say: “I know you’ve invested a lot of time in this. I also recognize you may feel like I’m stepping into an area where you have deeper expertise than I do. That’s not my intention. I’d simply like to offer another perspective because I think it could make an already strong piece of work even better.”

Those few sentences don’t weaken your leadership. They demonstrate humility, respect and self-awareness, all of which lower defenses before the real conversation begins. ​​

As I reflected on my conversation with that president, I realized his feedback probably wasn’t the problem, and neither was his intent. The missing piece was recognizing that people don’t all receive feedback from the same starting point. Some people question your expertise. Some are convinced they already have the right answer or try to protect their insecurities they don’t want anyone to see. Others are simply overwhelmed by everything competing for their attention. ​As leaders, we can’t always know which of those is true. But we can enter the conversation curious, instead of assuming someone simply isn’t listening. ​Because when feedback doesn’t land, the most valuable question often isn’t “how can I explain this better?” Instead, it’s “what does this person need from me before they’re ready to hear it?”

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